Day 12 conclusions:
- I have spent way too much time and energy trying to fit in.
- I am enough.
Since my time of meditating on love I have increasingly noticed how much time I have spent trying to fit in and judging my success. I am not sure why it has come increasingly clear but this morning it arrived while I was dressing to go and have coffee at my local café.
I felt inordinately pleased that I looked as if I fitted in; I noticed how relieved I felt. Then I noticed backward, how much time and energy I had spent through my life, worrying about my level of fitting in, reacting to not feeling like I fitted in or judging myself or other people for my state of fitting in or not.
I wonder if by infusing myself with love, I feel safe enough to see this vulnerability; while safe this stuff just keeps rising to the top. And the weird thing is, in the noticing, the concern seemed to disappear. I didn’t’ scold myself for the lifelong habit, didn’t even try to stop it – just noticed. And now, when I look back at my day – shopping, cooking, time with my family – there was a slight tension missing, the tension of not belonging.
I don’t want to make any grand pronouncements about what this might mean for myself or other people but it feels really significant for me. Maybe it will return but right now as I sit here there is an aspect of tension in my life that is simply not here now and I am once again gobsmacked by a level of freedom that is new. I have my own permission to be me.
Who knew this experiment would lead me here?
I am enough.
I am so grateful!